Tanja has been raving about an actor for weeks and always hopes that he will come back to his regular pub. She is also often there with her friend, cautiously testing her first attempts at flirting. She tries to carefully make eye contact. However, she feels that he is playing with her because one day he smiles kindly at her and the next he acts as if she doesn’t exist. Tanja’s friend says that she should just take courage and approach him …
Why flirting attempts fail
Many people are constantly thinking about how they appear to others, and are less concerned, if at all, with the question of why someone might be interesting or likeable.
Self-centered thinking (“Do I please him?” or “Am I interesting enough?”) also decreases concentration and makes you seem less authentic.
So it’s about focus: is it on myself or on the other person? Ideally, it is focused on the other.
Also, you should know what your goal is. Is it about an affair, a relationship or just a friendly acquaintance.
After all, it comes down to being bold and not overthinking it.
Typical problems with flirting attempts
Some find it problematic to expose themselves to emotional risk. They dare more in the virtual world and less in the real world, so flirting doesn’t even happen.
Sometimes certain skills are lacking. Flirting is something you have to practice. You can only find out who you are in the eyes of the other person by actually interacting with him or her. So it’s about the self-image and the external image.
If flirting attempts turn out to be less successful, it is important to deal with this experience in a goal-oriented manner. This means that you have to learn from this situation and see it as an opportunity for development.
It is less useful to ask yourself what is wrong with you, what competencies you may be lacking.
What skills are important?
1) Attract the attention
You can achieve this, for example, by having a lively conversation with someone. Movements and especially smiles have an attractive effect on others. Then flirting attempts in any case become more successful.
2) Pay attention to gestures and facial expressions
An open body posture speaks for interest, a closed body posture for rejection or disinterest. A genuine smile, when the eyes smile with you, has a very positive effect. Even though facial expressions are responsible for more than 50% of how we judge someone, observation should be separated from interpretation. You shouldn’t jump to conclusions based solely on the other person’s facial expressions, because it’s the interplay of body language, facial expressions and gestures that counts.
How to understand this interaction can be learned from a flirt coach.
3) Have the courage to approach the person you want.
It’s not always easy to approach someone, but courage is often rewarded. If the goal is just to have a nice conversation with an interesting person in the first place, there’s actually little to lose.
3) Active listening
When such a conversation occurs, it is important to determine whether the other person actually lives up to expectations. In order to find out, you should not concentrate too much on yourself, but focus on the other person. This is the only way to listen actively.
Active listening means actively listening with the intention of truly understanding the other person – understanding what they are passionate about or what drives them.
4) Ask open questions
Another skill is asking the right questions. This is the only way to find intersections, which are the prerequisite for a good conversation. A closed question like, “Is this your first time here?” can mean the premature end of the conversation. On the other hand, an open-ended question like, “What do you think of this workshop? “sounds better, and even better is an opening question like, “What exactly brought you here?” It immediately targets the interests of the counterpart, is a natural hook and thus increases the chances of a conversation.
5) Choose the right topics of conversation
Once a conversation has been established, it makes sense not to express any unfounded prejudices or unjustified complaints; in short, to avoid anything negative as much as possible.
6) Appear honest and authentic
Of course, everyone is out to sell themselves well in flirty conversation. However, it is also important not to appear overconfident or perhaps even arrogant. You can also show your humorous or vulnerable side. That makes you likeable and inspires confidence.
Are there also things that you can’t learn?
A warm and open smile.
Exercises with the flirt coach
Strengths and weaknesses analysis
Prerequisites for successful flirting are a self-confident charisma and a courageous appearance. This can be practiced step by step, e.g. by means of a strengths and weaknesses analysis → Identify strengths, use them, reshape weaknesses (reframe).
Interplay of body language, facial expressions and gestures
Insights into body language, facial expressions and gestures are also helpful. These are skills that can first be learned individually. Together with the flirt coach you develop after a few sessions the view for the whole.
The goal-oriented conversation
The conversation decides whether it comes to a (second) date. There are also many practical tools for this that can be learned and lead to success.
Cross-cutting issues can be addressed in lifecoaching, if appropriate.
© Timo ten Barge [31 .03.2017]