Friendzone: What is it and how do I get out of it?


By the time Philipp comes to me, he has been trying to get out of the friend zone for a few months. The thing had started as a childhood sweetheart, but there’s not much left of that after a little over a year.

From the beginning, it had been a rather romantic relationship in which many commonalities were exchanged, but feelings for the other were never expressed in concrete terms. Philips and she met occasionally, sometimes with friends, sometimes without, and had a lot of fun. When Philipp gathered all his courage after more than a year to show his more than just friendly interest, there was radio silence on the other side for the time being.

Strange, he thought, we got along so well and lately she used so many emoticons when writing messages. Was there hope after all? She hadn’t turned him down, he thought, and continued to write diligently. Until at some point the dreaded word came: Listen Philipp, I find you quite CUTE, but …

What is the Friendzone?

In a friend zone is someone who actually wants more than just a friendly relationship. This can cause a great deal of suffering. For the desired person, usually a woman, the situation is perfectly okay. She has a male friend with whom she can share her thoughts and feelings.

Analysis by the Flirt Coach

For the flirt coach, it is important to discover not only the common flirting mistakes. Crucial for flirting is that you have your life more or less under control, otherwise even the best flirting technique will not work. It is important to have private and professional goals in mind, these are typical life coaching topics.

Philip has low self-worth, he has not yet developed his goals in life. But to women you should show that you are in the middle of life, radiating a certain coolness and sovereignty. This is where the coach must start. First, Philip has to get his life under control.

How did he get into the Friendzone? 6 reasons

1. be “Mister Nice Guy

What Philipp did not consider is that it is not enough to be sweet and nice. He waited way too long to flirt with the woman he liked. When he then made tentative attempts at flirtation by gently complimenting her, she found it rather disturbing. “That’s not the nice Philip I know, is it?”

2. run behind

In Philipp’s case, his childhood friend decided at some point that a relationship or an affair were not options (anymore). What was left then was a friendly relationship. At first, the two met occasionally, but gradually they communicated mainly online.

3. do not seek proximity

In all the time Philipp spent with his childhood friend, he did not flirt with her, did not even approach her physically. However, the core of flirting is playing with closeness and distance. The only thing he achieved was emotional closeness. This was in the spirit of his childhood friend, but not in his own.

4. make insignificant calls

Philipp found the joint conversations nice, but they were limited to mutual interests. That’s great at first, but not enough in the long run. There was not a single conversation on the subject of eroticism or sex. So how would his girlfriend have known that he found her more than sympathetic?

5. being “Needy” (being in need)

An additional problem lay in Philip’s fear of losing her as a friend, or more to the point, losing her altogether. Therefore, he never took any risks. However, flirting always means taking a certain risk, that is, being brave, because otherwise nothing will happen. The fear that the (friendly) relationship will end will end up being true if nothing is done. Women sense such things and what remains in the end is a single emotion: pity.

6. live romantic love

Philip had devoted himself skin and hair to this one woman. Thus he created pressure, showed that he could not be happy without her. A dependency developed that may have seemed romantic at first, but in the long run, seemed needy, which is not very attractive, but rather off-putting. Romantic love does well in movies and books, but it doesn’t exist in reality, at least not the way Philipp had imagined it.

How do you get around the friend zone?

Actually, it’s not that difficult to avoid the fatal friend zone. You just have to avoid everything Philipp did wrong or do it differently!

6 tips

1. flirt!

It’s not about being nice and sweet. If you find a woman more than just likeable from the start, you have to show it. This works through positive emotions and building (sexual) tension.

2. the right timing

Timing is very important when flirting. Flirting is about showing from the beginning that you find the woman sexy. The best way to do this is in a subtle way, with the right (body) language and with a lot of courage. Exercises on proper body language are available in individual and group sessions.

3. search proximity

The crucial thing in flirting is to keep seeking the woman’s closeness, otherwise she will be, at best, confused about the man’s intention. You can’t do that without physicality. You can learn how best to do this, for example, in a group course.

4. hold exciting conversations

There are few things you can learn faster than how to build conversations. It is important to avoid 08/15 questions such as “What do you do?” because this will only bore you. Instead, you should arouse positive emotions and find out what interests and excites the woman. Only then do you gain their attention. The art of building conversations is best learned in one-on-one sessions.

5. live the abundance thought

On the one hand, you should definitely show the woman that you find her attractive, but on the other hand, you don’t necessarily have to make her understand that she is the only one (a romantic thought). She may calmly feel that the world will not end for the man if nothing comes of the matter. There are enough other interesting women, and she is allowed to know that. Again, however, the message should be delivered subtly. The woman may quietly discover photos via Instagram or dating apps, on which her counterpart can be seen sometimes in the company of other women.

6. be pro-active

Instead of remaining passive and feeling sorry for yourself, it’s important to take control of your life. You can find out exactly how this works here: → Life Coach.


It is possible to get out of the friend zone. You should first get your life under control and implement the above points.

Philipp did it by setting goals, working on his strengths, and learning to make small talk and create tension in conversations. However, it would be even better to never enter a friend zone than to laboriously maneuver out of one 😉

© Timo ten Barge [22 .09.2018]

Friendzone: What is it and how do I get out of it?

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