OOLNESS while flirting…
Martin came to me and wanted to know how to manage to look cool to women. He said that he liked to meet women and appear confident and convincing. He also named notable movies like “Goodfellas” or “The Godfather” that he associated with coolness. He was of the opinion that women like cool appearance.
Coolness – appealing to women
The kind of coolness Martin thinks of is rather intimidating. Watching Mafia movies, you might feel a certain coolness, but it’s more related to the acting. There is actually no talk of coolness here. Spreading fear and terror is not part of the essence of coolness. But what the cool flirter and the actor have in common is that they have perfected their roles.
With the kind of coolness that some cult films thrive on, you can certainly impress some women. But that was not what Martin wanted. He actually wanted to come across as relaxed and learn about the women he met. He secretly hoped that by appearing cool women would not be able to his seduction – so if only he knew the secret recipe for coolness!
When is coolness convincing?
Coolness is particularly effective in the initial stages of flirting, when it is important to attract attention and send the right signals in communication. For a cool approach without prefabricated sayings, a “Hi, I’m…” is enough. Show-offs are more likely to try to impress. This is not purposeful, because they hardly have their emotions under control. They may look cool from the outside, but from the inside it’s a different story.
A confident demeanor is typical of coolness. However, it is important that appearance and language do not appear exaggerated and smug. Moreover, real coolness must not be just an outward appearance. On the contrary: narcissists and egoists are uncool!
When are flirting attempts successful?
What to consider so that flirting attempts do not fail? In the early stages of flirting, it’s important to come across as casual. Only men who have learned to be self-confident, self-determined and sovereign can do that. In other words, these men have high self-esteem and radiate that. They are in control of their lives and ideally successfully pursue specific life goals. These are typical strengths that can be acquired with the help of life coaching.
When is coolness not convincing?
The word “cool” actually already says that emotions are put cold – that is, that no fears or worries are recognizable. Warm emotions that show up in empathy, empathy, etc. are hardly present in a “cool” demeanor. If they exist, they are controlled and are not visible.
So the cool one has his emotions under control. However, learning about other women requires a willingness to listen. Listening, however, is not a building block of coolness, because the cool person tends to be the sender and is envied for his coolness.
Coolness, then, rarely enables conversations to deepen. Thus, coolness contains not only strengths. Women like men who confess that they also have weaknesses, that they are vulnerable, i.e. that they have feelings. This can shine through during the conversation, but it should not be visible in insecure body language. That would be uncool! In general, it would be useful to look at what behaviors have a beneficial effect on a certain level of coolness.
What behavior conditions coolness in dating?
In the Big 5 scheme of personalities, there are five behaviors that positively or negatively impact a cool demeanor. According to psychologist Lars Lorber, this involves sociability, openness to new experiences, agreeableness, conscientiousness and, finally, dealing with feelings.
- A certain sociability and sociability are important to appear cool and convince in dating. It’s not even that important to talk a lot – in this respect, less is often more. People who talk a lot tend to appear uninterested because they take themselves too seriously. A lot of talking can also be an indication of insecurity or fear, if this is intended to conceal insecurity.
- Openness to new experiences has a positive effect on a cool appearance, while a more conservative worldview seems less cool. The more versatile someone is, the more interests they have, the greater the chance that there will be intersections in the conversation – that is, that areas of interest will overlap. A limited area of interest, on the other hand, seems rather uncool.
- The question of how considerate I am with others, i.e. whether I am a person in need of harmony or whether I also sometimes tackle conflicts, is less clear-cut in terms of coolness. Someone who doesn’t avoid conflict is cool. However, a person who finds consideration important as a value can be perceived as cool in the same way. (In Mafia movies, however, a tough approach is an absolute condition of coolness).
- Just as little decisive for the coolness determination is the question of whether someone is a spontaneous or planned person. Those who live spontaneously are cool at first sight. But if you don’t set any goals at all – other than focusing on being cool – you look pretty lost. If you have a certain degree of spontaneity and at the same time a minimal objective, you can look very casual with it. A completely planned-out life that focuses solely on work has no coolness factor. Someone who does everything exactly according to plan has perfectionist demands. This is not an advantage in dating and therefore uncool.
- Last but not least, dealing with emotions in the right way is clearly a measure of coolness. Someone who can defy negative emotions and live largely free of anxiety is in control of their life. This underlines its coolness. (Only in Mafia movies do feelings like anger and revenge indicate coolness – not in real life). Feelings like insecurity, irritability, or nervousness, on the other hand, are uncool. Someone who lets it show in a dating conversation that they have problems and expresses a lot of negative emotions is not a pleasant person to talk to. Especially for a first meeting this is an absolute no-go! Balance is an absolute condition for coolness.
Coolness in Film – Ryan Gossling
It’s important to appear confident, to be yourself and not to be easily ruffled. One’s own coolness can certainly be underlined by a certain way of dressing. Ryan Gossling makes this clear in the film “Crazy, Stupid, Love” in the following scene: Jacob (= Ryan Gossling): “Are you the billionaire owner of Apple Computers?” Cal: “No.” Jacob: “Oh, okay. In that case, you’ve got no right to wear New Balance sneakers, ever.”
In the end, however, it is not yet clear what the essence of coolness is.
What is coolness philosophically?
So far, we have attributed many faces to coolness: confident, persuasive, easy-going, self-possessed, sovereign. The initial question, however, should be whether coolness is a personality trait or a kind of (sovereign) action conditioned by a certain behavior. But maybe behind the term hides something completely different …
There is only one philosopher who has gone down in the history of philosophy as cool. That was Diogenes. He led a self-sufficient life without caring about social norms. He was authentic and humorous. When Alexander the Great once asked him what he wished, Diogenes glibly replied, “Go forth my sun!” Alexander’s response to this was, “If I were not Alexander, I would be Diogenes.”
Therefore, if the life of Diogenes, or at least the legends about him, may serve as an example of coolness, it could be defined less as theory and more as practice. Cool is to be a life artist and speak and act as in such.
Implement coolness with the Flirt Coach
Being cool according to the life artist principle is seemingly easy. It’s about having the courage to not care what others say or think. What’s cool is to pursue your own goals and have direction over your own life. In the same way, flirting requires courage in the first place, especially when addressing. Sayings are counterproductive there. Being cool and authentic, inspiring confidence and coming across as humorous – these are the decisive factors. Fortunately, the aspects of coolness can be learned – even for people who haven’t yet considered themselves life artists.
Being cool – practical tips
- Harmonize language and body language
- Do not want to impress
- Dress individually
- Representing your own opinion
- Be independent
- Be self-determined
- Be confident
- Be able to control emotions
- Dare to show weaknesses
© Timo ten Barge [23 .11.2017]