Alex got a voucher for speed dating from his friends. However, he doubts whether he should cash it in. “‘That’s much too superficial,'” he thinks.
I ask him what a non-superficial conversation looks like to him. He answers that he would like to have a quiet exchange with a woman and see if certain interests coincide. Small talk is simply not his thing.
I ask him how successful he has been so far with this approach. “Not quite as successful,” is the answer.
It is clear to me that Alex wants to meet a woman who shares his values and that he is not just looking for an adventure.
I explain to him that speed dating doesn’t have to be anything necessarily superficial or just about quick sex. It’s more about how you manage to present your strongest side in a short period of time. And anyone can learn that.
Analysis Flirt Coach at Speed Dating
Alex is initially overwhelmed by the idea of trying out speed dating. That’s why he’s very skeptical. He doesn’t really know how to address a woman and just as little he should show his best side in barely ten minutes.
Admittedly, this is not so easy at the beginning and without guidance, especially if you are a bit shy. But even the first job interview is never easy and yet many dare, with more or less success.
Basically, the whole thing is comparable to the so-called elevator pitch, i.e. the task of convincing someone of a business idea during the short duration of an elevator ride. Except that in Alex’s case, it’s not about a business idea, but about himself.
His concerns about the seriousness of the whole thing were also unfounded. Because even within a very short time you can find out what intentions someone has. And if it only runs through a very direct, so-called self-disclosure, such as, “I’m looking for something rather longer-term – and you?”
Luckily Alex was convinced in the end and had several nice dates. He had many positive experiences and his friends were happy to have given him the idea.
Strategy Flirt Coach at Speed Dating
In Flirt Coaching, we first deal with how Alex sees himself in the first place and how he can manage to come across authentically. We do this with typical life coaching tools like the “Big 5” of personality or with the Enneagram.
So far, Alex would describe himself as needing harmony and being comfortable. It is hardly surprising that he chooses terms that sound rather negative, because his self-worth is not very high. Such a self-characterization would also have a rather unfavorable effect on a woman.
However, after applying some of the tools mentioned above, Alex sees himself more as a life enjoyer and a team player. This immediately sounds much more likeable and is also easier to intersperse in a conversation. In the further course of our session we work out even more positive sides of his personality.
It is not a question of pretending to his interlocutors, because it is important that he stays with himself, recognizes himself in all the descriptions. This makes him feel good and allows him to appear confident and authentic. Not least because women quickly see through it when a man pretends to be something he is not.
I also suggest to Alex that he attend a group class. Although skeptical at first, he eventually agrees and is surprised afterwards at how much the exchange with others has brought him. He has found that his behavior is quite normal and that many men have similar problems when flirting. The feedback from the others was good for him and the common problems welded the group together.
We used role-playing to recreate the real situation. Alex wonders if he seems cool enough, and I explain that he should just be himself, and be the way he is whenever he’s in a good mood.
He is also afraid of possibly being too nice and thus ending up in the so-called friend zone. But he can avoid this by showing that he is in control of his life and knows what he wants. We talk about body language and subtly giving compliments so that his attempts at flirting don’t fail.
It is also very important that Alex does not spend the whole time at (speed) dating circling around himself and worrying about his appearance. He should not focus on himself, but on the woman. The question is not: How do I appear to them? But rather, how does it affect me? Alex should engage with the woman and find out if he finds her interesting.
When the speed dating finally takes place, there is indeed a woman who cannot resist his newly learned seduction skills. A few days later he has a nice date. He is now more convinced of his flirting behavior and feels strengthened in his self-worth.
Tips for speed dating
- Flirt. → Dare to look at your counterpart and don’t forget to smile. Don’t talk too fast! → Show that you are unimpressed by the tight time frame.
- Take it easy! → You are also allowed to think out loud or take a short break.
- Don’t ask too many questions! → Ask only relevant or even original questions.
- Do not manipulate! → Don’t slap on memorized sayings and don’t try to look more confident than you are.
- Don’t just make small talk! → Also bring some depth into the conversation.
- Try to give subtle compliments! → Say something nice, but don’t suck up.
- Look for commonalities! → Try to establish a connection.
- Communicate in a non-judgmental way! → Avoid negative topics of conversation, just as you should not get upset together about something or talk shit about someone.
- Show empathy! → Show interest and follow up.
- Show emotions! → Your enthusiasm proves that you have fun in life. Showcase your strengths! → You can show your best side, as long as you remain authentic.
- Show that you are more than your job! → Tell good stories or a funny anecdote.
- Make sure your‘I‘ is not like a fluid concept! (Tip from the movie “Hitch, the Date Doctor”) © Timo ten Barge [06 .03.2019]