Resist seduction: Find out how to control yourself – with quick test


Thomas is constantly on Tinder and really has a lot of success with women. He meets pretty women several times a week and constantly gets new messages even during our flirt coach sessions. For some time now, however, he no longer draws fulfillment from his dates. We’re thinking about how he can get out of what we call pick-up mode and back into slow get-to-know-you mode. It is not so easy for Thomas to resist the seduction at first …

Oskar would love to swap places with Thomas, but he is too shy and not articulate enough to conquer women. He doesn’t dare look at women, let alone approach them. He’s not exactly text-sure either, and that’s why we rarely meet. His last relationship was several years ago. He was always faithful to his girlfriend and never flirted with strangers. However, his girlfriend already did and so found her new boyfriend …

Why do some people have stable relationships, while others keep having new loves but can’t really commit?

How to stay faithful?

Dr. Tila Pronk, a Dutch psychologist and love expert, says that the key to being faithful is impulse control. If you can control yourself, you will at most engage in a brief head trip, but otherwise do nothing.

If you are in a partnership and you know this art, you can regulate the feeling of attraction and think about your own partner in that magic moment. If you fail and want your ex back a short time later, you can still try your luck here.

Impulse control does not per se have anything to do with intelligence, as Albert Einstein’s relationship behavior already proves. He honestly admitted to being an unfit spouse and instead was faithful to quite a few women.

How to control yourself

With the following quick test developed by Tila Pronk:

Answer yes or no to the following statements:

1) Pleasure and fun are often a reason why I don’t do my work.

2) I wish I had more self-discipline.

3) I am lazy.

4) More often I say things that are inappropriate.

Anyone who has to say ‘yes’ three or four times here probably has rather poorly developed self-control.

Glimmer of hope

There is hope, however, because not everyone who considers themselves lazy actually is. A perfectionist may judge their own laziness differently than a laissez-faire type. But if then everything is too late, because you have cheated and possibly a separation is imminent, you can still find the necessary help here.

Why the reward center is slowed down

When you look at an attractive person, the reward center in the brain is automatically activated. If you are in a relationship at the same time, the control center also becomes active. This slows down the reward center and makes you less likely to cheat or give in to seduction.

Why seduction is sometimes stronger

If you are happy with your partner, this braking effect is amplified. However, as soon as communication within the relationship is disrupted for a longer period of time, this effect fails to materialize.

Can impulse control be learned?

However, those who did poorly in the test are not completely lost when it comes to loyalty. Indeed, the good news is that you can learn impulse control by exercising your cognitive skills, for example.

In the so-called pick-up flirting field (the art of seducing), however, weak impulse control is perceived as strength (courage in flirting).

Can you resist the seduction?

You can choose to deal with temptations consciously. This works by recognizing that a seduction has a temporal dimension. The seduction can refer to a person (as with Thomas), but it can also be about an irresistible piece of chocolate.

It is therefore important to realize that seductions generally only bring happiness in the short term.

So we can be aware of the consequences of indulgence. Visualization by means of life coaching or self-hypnosis are a solution here. Admittedly, without professional help, the whole thing can also get worse!

Classic example:Marshmellow test

Walter Mischel used the marshmallow test to measure whether and how long children can resist a reward (e.g., a marshmallow). Upon reaching the goal (to resist temptation for a short time), the children received double the amount. This was to determine how well children are able to control their impulses and defer rewards.

Using the marshmallow test, the personality psychologist demonstrated the importance of reward deferral for academic, emotional, and social success. This is because later in life, ‘temptation-resistant’ children were more successful, better able to cope with frustration and stress, had a lower need for recognition and, most importantly, had more stable relationships.

In life coaching

focus on aspects such as motivation, the balance of values and goals, and strengths/weaknesses analyses. Learning new habits is important and a prerequisite for change and success in life coaching.

According to Walter Mischel, the key to success is to control your needs. This is very useful if you do not completely lose sight of the needs.

Self-control is good, but it should not become an end in itself, because otherwise you will not live your life properly.

In flirt coaching

the focus is on seduction. People have different needs when it comes to flirting and seduction.

There are many strategies to learn flirting, as well as impulse control skills.

© Timo ten Barge [24 .04.2017]

Resist seduction: Find out how to control yourself – with quick test

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